jokes.txt

Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.
Can February March? No, but April May!
It’s inappropriate to make a ‘dad joke’ if you’re not a dad. It’s a faux pa.
Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it’s tearable.
How do lawyers say goodbye? We’ll be suing ya!
What’s the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.
Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.
I could tell a joke about pizza, but it’s a little cheesy.
Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything!
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
What’s an astronaut’s favourite part of a computer? The space bar.
I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks!
Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.
What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the ‘no-bell’ prize.
I’ve got a great joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.
I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me.
I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!
I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I’ve never looked back since.
You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Why can’t you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the ‘P’ is silent.
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.
It takes guts to be an organ donor.
If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?
I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!
“Dad, did you get a haircut?” “No, I got them all cut!”
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!
How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.
Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.
What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
Did you hear the rumour about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it!
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
Dad, can you put my shoes on?” “No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.”
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.
What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!
How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change colour? He had a reptile dysfunction.
I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.
Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.
What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1
What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!
What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!
I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids. I’m a faux pa.
Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, “No, just leave it in the carton!”
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “do you know how to drive this thing?”
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!
What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.
The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn’t know it was on fire.
Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.
What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket… You can hide but you can’t run.
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
The rotation of earth really makes my day.
I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that’s just nuts.
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!
What’s black and white and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.
My son screeched, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to one word I’ve said, have you!?” What a strange way to start a conversation with me…
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.
What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard? “Supplies!”
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know he means well.
What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!
I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don’t wok away from me.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell “Donald Duck!”
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.
I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back.
Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.
I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro. It’s a total rip-off.
Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.
Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!
What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.
Do you think glass coffins will be a success? Remains to be seen.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn’t work he has to get it toad.
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.