Add ghosts draft

Author: pants721

content/posts/ghosts.md

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+draft = true
+title = "im sorry it was the ghosts"
+date = 2025-10-27
+[taxonomies]
+tags=["yap"]
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+clarity always comes after. 
+a piece of knowledge ive picked up many times off the mantle of past mistakes 
+that i take for granted as the floor.
+it's really a shame because a little clarity would serve me well in my worst moments.
+
+i think im just a haunted house in my worst moments.
+the lights are flashing; the wood is creaky
+and theres always ghosts. its always ghosts.
+every single time, they surround me screaming 
+until im on the floor; deafened.
+
+i wish i could tell you who the ghosts are
+maybe then we could talk it out
+but they have no face
+or if they did, it's been long forgotten
+the only thing to remember them by is fear
+
+its not just any fear
+its a protective fear
+it doesnt feel like fear in the moment
+it feels like survival
+
+in the moment its logical
+ive faced this threat before
+i know this attack pattern
+
+i throw the jabs i learned the times before.
+a quick liver shot will shut any ghost down.
+ive won!
+
+the lights turn on. its just a house now.
+there were no ghosts; there never were any.
+but i saw them. i swear i saw them.
+i know i saw them.
+
+but its okay. its whatever.
+whats wrong with some sloppy shadow boxing in a dark room?
+but someones keeled over in front of me.
+someone i love ate that liver shot.
+
+its okay i was just defending myself.
+i was just defending myself.
+i mean how could i not? 
+there were fucking ghosts man.
+
+but none of that really matters to them
+i mean obviously they just got punched they dont care
+but you need them to know about the ghosts
+there were ghosts!
+
+but this isnt the first time.
+i shouldve learned last time.
+the writing on the wall is in blood
+"ITS NOT REAL"
+i can see it now with clarity.
+
+thats what i hate about ghosts man.
+they always leave me worse 
+they always leave me hurting others
+they always leave me questioning
+
+is this really my house?
+did i really do that?
+i thought i was winning
+this doesnt feel like winning
+
+the worst part 
+that you only realize after 
+is that the ghosts dont haunt you
+they are you
+
+everything that makes you *you*
+is what made the ghosts ghosts
+you are creations of the same factory
+atoms of the same element
+
+maybe the haunted house metaphor is contrived
+it abstracts away that core truth of all these issues
+they are me and i am them
+
+that wasnt me.
+i mean, yes, i know that was me.
+but thats not who i am.
+
+jekyll is not hyde just becuase they share skin.
+that was someone else.
+
+but consequences dont care about the ghosts that haunt you.
+you chose to enter the haunted house.
+you chose to *be* the house.
+
+