Date: 2025-07-16
Theme: Growth and Mentorship
"What disturbs people’s minds is not events but their judgments on events." - Epictetus
Lately, I’ve been reflecting on how I give feedback - and more specifically, the subtle but crucial difference between what I observe and what I perceive.
Observation is grounded in what happened: the action, the behavior, the outcome. Perception is how I interpret or feel about what happened. One is evidence. The other is a story.
This distinction becomes especially important in performance conversations. I’ve learned that the more I rely on perception, the weaker and more subjective the feedback becomes - and the more likely it is to trigger defensiveness or confusion.
Recently, I gave someone feedback that was, from my perspective, fair and grounded in facts - specific missed deadlines, lack of follow-through, and inconsistencies in delivery. These were observable truths. But I was met with strong pushback. From their perspective, the feedback was “harsh,” “unfair,” and “demotivating.” It was a perception clash. And it made me pause.
What I meant as honest and constructive, they received as judgmental. And while I still stand by the feedback as accurate, it reminded me that how people perceive feedback matters as much as what is being said.
- How do I stay grounded in observations and avoid clouding feedback with interpretation?
- How do I handle feedback I receive - knowing that it may be someone else’s perception, not a truth?
- How do I help others understand the value of separating observation from perception - without dismissing their feelings?
- How do I ensure the feedback I give is heard, not just delivered?
Epictetus reminds us: it’s not the events themselves, but our judgments of them, that disturb us. This applies directly to the way feedback works in teams.
When I say, “This task was delayed three times,” that’s an observation. When I add, “I think you don’t take deadlines seriously,” that’s a perception. The former invites reflection. The latter invites resistance.
But here’s the hard truth: even pure observation doesn’t guarantee smooth reception. People often perceive tone, intent, or judgment - even when I’ve done the work to strip those things away. That’s human.
What I’m learning is that making this distinction clear is not just my internal job - it’s part of how I frame feedback for others. I’ve started saying things like:
“Let me focus on what I’ve observed, and then we can explore what it might mean together.”
Or:
“This might feel personal, but I want to stick to what I’ve seen and heard - not what I assume.”
That framing helps create shared language. It doesn’t always make the conversation easier, but it builds trust.
- How others initially receive my feedback
- The emotional filters people apply
- The discomfort that honest feedback sometimes creates
- Grounding my feedback in what I’ve actually observed
- Being mindful of language that signals perception vs. observation
- Creating space for discussion - not just delivery
- How I model thoughtful feedback and response
- Observations open the door to learning. Perceptions close it when unexamined.
- Even the best feedback can land poorly - and that doesn’t mean it was wrong.
- Perception isn’t the enemy. It’s a reality I must navigate with clarity and care.
Before Giving Feedback:
- Ask: “Is this an observation or a perception?”
- Remove assumptions about intent - stick to what happened.
- Frame the feedback by naming the difference explicitly.
When Receiving Feedback:
- Listen for the observable behavior beneath the interpretation.
- If perception dominates, ask for examples: “Can you help me understand what you saw?”
- Don’t confuse emotional response with inaccuracy - pause, reflect, and separate.
When Helping Others Receive Feedback:
- Share the observation-perception distinction openly.
- Acknowledge their feelings without invalidating your message.
- Invite shared understanding: “How do you see it?”
Giving good feedback isn’t just about what I say - it’s about helping others see what I mean. The clearest, kindest, and most actionable feedback lives in the world of observation, but real humans receive it through a lens of perception.
Instead of fighting that lens, I try to account for it. And the more I do, the more feedback becomes a tool for growth - not just a delivery mechanism for truth.