Enable hard line breaks

Author: pants721

content/posts/ghosts.md

@@ -5,11 +5,6 @@ date = 2025-10-27
 [taxonomies]
 tags=["yap"]
 +++
-clarity always comes after. 
-a piece of knowledge ive picked up many times off the mantle of past mistakes 
-that i take for granted as the floor.
-it's really a shame because a little clarity would serve me well in my worst moments.
-
 i think im just a haunted house in my worst moments.
 the lights are flashing; the wood is creaky
 and theres always ghosts. its always ghosts.
@@ -22,7 +17,7 @@ but they have no face
 or if they did, it's been long forgotten
 the only thing to remember them by is fear
 
-its not just any fear
+its not just any fear.
 its a protective fear
 it doesnt feel like fear in the moment
 it feels like survival

content/posts/grace.md

@@ -5,181 +5,181 @@ draft = false
 [taxonomies]
 tags=["yap"]
 +++
-i dont think ill ever fully understand it.\
-\
-ive spent my nights twisting and turning over how \
-one moment you're there and the next you're just not. \
-the sheets are all hot and horrible now and still understanding alludes me.\
-\
-how wrong this is. to leave no mark in the sand, no note on the fridge, no reason why.\
-maybe a fool would see the long trail of sand that had been drudged through for years and scratch his head at it's end.\
-maybe i've been made a fool.\
-\
-death makes what it wants of me.\
-my notebook of coping strategies and meditations does me no good in the face of the great equalizer.\
-its very loud at first. it comes at you screaming and kicking; crying "how could it be".\
-shock subsides.\
-someone will tell you "the number 12 is everywhere" and it will feel as if the number 12 is haunting you.\
-you'll see it everywhere- buses, milk cartons, the time.\
-every turn of every corner of your day will find some cruel way to remind you of what you've lost.\
-a photo, or an odd possession of theirs might be expected to stir up some feelings,\
-but it sneaks into where you least expect it.\
-a song, a color, a face, a phrase that knocks the wind out of you as if the number 12 had learned muay thai.\
-and all of the sudden you're back at the start.\
-\
-where was i\
-where was i when it happened\
-what was i doing\
-what could i have done\
-why did she do it\
-why why why\
-\
-maybe she's happier now. maybe it truly was too much to bear.\
-but what could it have been that she had to bear it alone?\
-the weight of the world was never meant just for her, why did she insist upon holding it?\
-we were all here.\
-\
-the world has been robbed of its kindness and its beauty.\
-it seems shes taken it all with her\
-and left us.\
-\
-every memory, every moment, every photo is a reminder of how half of that story ends. how her story ended.\
-to look at a childhood photo and know what the you then didnt.\
-to know you'd be speaking at her funeral in 10 years.\
-\
-we were close back then, but we faded apart.\
-when i got to high school we reconnected, and the kindness she extended towards me changed my life.\
-it wasn't huge, but it was unconditional. i didn't even love myself unconditionally.\
-even for a small moment, i got to experience the kindness she had grown into.\
-we grew apart again when she went to college, which is fine. i don't blame either of us for falling out of touch.\
-i wish i had texted just once.\
-\
-i knew the depth of the person we were mourning that day. i understood it.\
-i felt a certain guilt being a speaker amongst her two best friends and her aunt, \
-but every word of their loving recollections felt all too familiar for me to be a stranger.\
-\
-she saw people for who they really are\
-\
-that one stuck in my head for the entire service.\
-what a wonderful gift. \
-to understand people. \
-and at that to understand them more than theyd like you to.\
-to understand who they are\
-not who they say they are\
-\
-she certainly understood me for who i was\
-underneath all those layers of embarassingly baggy clothes\
-and embarassingly smudged eyeliner\
-she understood me\
-\
-i wish she knew how much that meant to me.\
-i wish i could tell her.\
-\
-i love you so much\
-thank you for being you\
-you were always enough\
-\
-i dont know what i could've said to change her mind\
-i dont think im qualified to even brainstorm\
-but i know i wish she didn't\
-ive wished so hard; harder than i ever have, for longer than i ever have.\
-its been days and weeks\
-and it will be months and years and decades of wishing and wishing\
-my 30's and 40's will come and go and \
-i will still be wishing that kind, sweet girl i grew up with was still around to talk\
-\
-maybe by then i wouldve gotten to know her again\
-thats what stings the most\
-i didnt know her\
-i didnt know who shed grown into\
-\
-i knew her\
-thats it\
-now thats it\
-\
-i find myself mourning the amazing person she grew into\
-the amazing person that touched the lives of all three hundred people in that church\
-a feat im certain the 10 year old i was acquainted with was under-equipped for\
-\
-no, no\
-she was so much more than i ever knew\
-\
-i find myself mourning the person i never got to know\
-\
-it feels wrong\
-it feels dirty\
-like a trick has been played on me\
-\
-a certain eventually has been taken without any warning\
-maybe it was my fault for it being an eventually\
-why wasn't it just a now\
-\
-maybe that check in wouldve done it\
-maybe she wouldve thought not tonight\
-maybe she wouldve been just distracted enough with our memories together\
-i know just how distracting they are now\
-\
-the worst part\
-and i mean the worst part\
-\
-she doesnt know\
-she certainly didnt think about me in those last moments\
-or any of those other people in the church bar a few\
-she didnt picture me standing up there, \
-shaking as i read a sorry substitue for the words i wish i had told her\
-she didnt picture the tears, the screams, the absent staring into space for weeks on end\
-of every single person in that room.\
-\
-yet here i am writing about it.\
-crying through my fingers into my keyboard because tears wouldnt come close to enough.\
-so many people cared so much about her.\
-i wish she had known; maybe things would be different.\
-\
-i walked up onto the stand with my speech on my phone. \
-ive never been a poor public speaker, but up there it all hit me\
-the gravity, the grief, the realness, it was all there in that church air\
-staring at me\
-\
-i started my speech.\
-\
-people laughed\
-people cried\
-\
-as i approached the end, the emotion overtook me.\
-i couldnt do it\
-it was too much\
-i couldnt accept it in front of everyone\
-i didnt want it to be real\
-\
-i looked in her moms eyes\
-my aunt, as i called her\
-\
-i had been avoiding making eye contact. i had been a coward\
-the pain that she must have been going through is unimaginable\
-i was afraid that even eye contact would make me burst into tears\
-\
-but when i looked in her eyes\
-i saw so much love\
-for her daughter\
-that had been taken too soon from her\
-but it was love that was unpersuaded to let the footnote overtake the story\
-love that was unerased by grief\
-love that was unbothered by physical presence\
-love that saw her daughters presence in the lives of anyone who had been touched by her kindness.\
-love that told me to continue\
+i dont think ill ever fully understand it.
+
+ive spent my nights twisting and turning over how 
+one moment you're there and the next you're just not. 
+the sheets are all hot and horrible now and still understanding alludes me.
+
+how wrong this is. to leave no mark in the sand, no note on the fridge, no reason why.
+maybe a fool would see the long trail of sand that had been drudged through for years and scratch his head at it's end.
+maybe i've been made a fool.
+
+death makes what it wants of me.
+my notebook of coping strategies and meditations does me no good in the face of the great equalizer.
+its very loud at first. it comes at you screaming and kicking; crying "how could it be".
+shock subsides.
+someone will tell you "the number 12 is everywhere" and it will feel as if the number 12 is haunting you.
+you'll see it everywhere- buses, milk cartons, the time.
+every turn of every corner of your day will find some cruel way to remind you of what you've lost.
+a photo, or an odd possession of theirs might be expected to stir up some feelings,
+but it sneaks into where you least expect it.
+a song, a color, a face, a phrase that knocks the wind out of you as if the number 12 had learned muay thai.
+and all of the sudden you're back at the start.
+
+where was i
+where was i when it happened
+what was i doing
+what could i have done
+why did she do it
+why why why
+
+maybe she's happier now. maybe it truly was too much to bear.
+but what could it have been that she had to bear it alone?
+the weight of the world was never meant just for her, why did she insist upon holding it?
+we were all here.
+
+the world has been robbed of its kindness and its beauty.
+it seems shes taken it all with her
+and left us.
+
+every memory, every moment, every photo is a reminder of how half of that story ends. how her story ended.
+to look at a childhood photo and know what the you then didnt.
+to know you'd be speaking at her funeral in 10 years.
+
+we were close back then, but we faded apart.
+when i got to high school we reconnected, and the kindness she extended towards me changed my life.
+it wasn't huge, but it was unconditional. i didn't even love myself unconditionally.
+even for a small moment, i got to experience the kindness she had grown into.
+we grew apart again when she went to college, which is fine. i don't blame either of us for falling out of touch.
+i wish i had texted just once.
+
+i knew the depth of the person we were mourning that day. i understood it.
+i felt a certain guilt being a speaker amongst her two best friends and her aunt, 
+but every word of their loving recollections felt all too familiar for me to be a stranger.
+
+she saw people for who they really are
+
+that one stuck in my head for the entire service.
+what a wonderful gift. 
+to understand people. 
+and at that to understand them more than theyd like you to.
+to understand who they are
+not who they say they are
+
+she certainly understood me for who i was
+underneath all those layers of embarassingly baggy clothes
+and embarassingly smudged eyeliner
+she understood me
+
+i wish she knew how much that meant to me.
+i wish i could tell her.
+
+i love you so much
+thank you for being you
+you were always enough
+
+i dont know what i could've said to change her mind
+i dont think im qualified to even brainstorm
+but i know i wish she didn't
+ive wished so hard; harder than i ever have, for longer than i ever have.
+its been days and weeks
+and it will be months and years and decades of wishing and wishing
+my 30's and 40's will come and go and 
+i will still be wishing that kind, sweet girl i grew up with was still around to talk
+
+maybe by then i wouldve gotten to know her again
+thats what stings the most
+i didnt know her
+i didnt know who shed grown into
+
+i knew her
+thats it
+now thats it
+
+i find myself mourning the amazing person she grew into
+the amazing person that touched the lives of all three hundred people in that church
+a feat im certain the 10 year old i was acquainted with was under-equipped for
+
+no, no
+she was so much more than i ever knew
+
+i find myself mourning the person i never got to know
+
+it feels wrong
+it feels dirty
+like a trick has been played on me
+
+a certain eventually has been taken without any warning
+maybe it was my fault for it being an eventually
+why wasn't it just a now
+
+maybe that check in wouldve done it
+maybe she wouldve thought not tonight
+maybe she wouldve been just distracted enough with our memories together
+i know just how distracting they are now
+
+the worst part
+and i mean the worst part
+
+she doesnt know
+she certainly didnt think about me in those last moments
+or any of those other people in the church bar a few
+she didnt picture me standing up there, 
+shaking as i read a sorry substitue for the words i wish i had told her
+she didnt picture the tears, the screams, the absent staring into space for weeks on end
+of every single person in that room.
+
+yet here i am writing about it.
+crying through my fingers into my keyboard because tears wouldnt come close to enough.
+so many people cared so much about her.
+i wish she had known; maybe things would be different.
+
+i walked up onto the stand with my speech on my phone. 
+ive never been a poor public speaker, but up there it all hit me
+the gravity, the grief, the realness, it was all there in that church air
+staring at me
+
+i started my speech.
+
+people laughed
+people cried
+
+as i approached the end, the emotion overtook me.
+i couldnt do it
+it was too much
+i couldnt accept it in front of everyone
+i didnt want it to be real
+
+i looked in her moms eyes
+my aunt, as i called her
+
+i had been avoiding making eye contact. i had been a coward
+the pain that she must have been going through is unimaginable
+i was afraid that even eye contact would make me burst into tears
+
+but when i looked in her eyes
+i saw so much love
+for her daughter
+that had been taken too soon from her
+but it was love that was unpersuaded to let the footnote overtake the story
+love that was unerased by grief
+love that was unbothered by physical presence
+love that saw her daughters presence in the lives of anyone who had been touched by her kindness.
+love that told me to continue
 to not let my grief stop me
 
 > "<span style="color: purple;">i love you grace</span>"
 
 so i ask of you this
-just as you extend it unto others\
-please\
+just as you extend it unto others
+please
 please
 
-please\
-give yourself patience\
-give yourself kindness\
-give yourself compassion\
+please
+give yourself patience
+give yourself kindness
+give yourself compassion
 give yourself grace
 
 -lucas

hugo.toml

@@ -84,6 +84,9 @@ url = "/contact"
 [markup]
 [markup.highlight]
 style = 'gruvbox'
+[markup.goldmark]
+[markup.goldmark.renderer]
+hardWraps = true
 
 # Giscus comments
 [params.giscus]